Sex, dating, and relationships

One of the significant things about the Theology of the Body is that it has quite practical implications for how we live our lives. One of our parishioners, Bill Barto, has sent in a review of a book by a pair of evangelical pastors that deals with the topic of dating and relationships.  They pick up on some of the same themes as John Paul II.  Here is what Bill has to say:

In “Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach,” the authors (Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas, who are pastors themselves and well-known bloggers) contend that human sexual relationships and the Gospel are "intrinsically linked" in that our sexuality is a "type" or image of the relationship between God and his church. Just as Christ is monogamous and loyal to his bride, the church, we are called to reflect these values in our monogamous and permanent marital relationships. Our relationships with others must reflect the life-changing nature of the gospel: "life has a higher purpose than our autonomous satisfaction."

 The authors then describe what they consider to be the biblical standard for sexual relationships: in their assessment, "all premarital sexual activity is outside the bounds of the New Testament ethic." And sexual activity is defined pretty broadly; if one would not engage in the activity with a family member, then it is out of bounds for persons who are dating. The authors helpfully illustrate this teaching by the use of what they call "the God-ordained categories of male-female relationships." Relying upon scripture, the authors note that God commands sexual relations between married people and prohibits it between others; in their assessment, there is no biblically-based category of relationships that allows sexual activity because a couple is dating.

 Of course, the entire dating system in contemporary culture is structured quite differently, and the authors spend some time discussing how dating as practiced tends toward sexual activity and operates to the detriment of those hoping for more substantial relationships by placing intimacy before friendship. The authors describe an alternative in what they call "dating friendships," in which two people intentionally spend time in each other's company, not with an eye toward imminent intimacy, but to learn about one another in an effort to determine whether the other is "spouse material." Courtship would begin under this model once the couple had committed to marriage, and intimacy would be deferred until marriage. This portion of the book would be particularly valuable for parents or pastors trying to educate young people what friendship of this sort would look like and how Christian courtship could actually work.

 This is a worthwhile book to read for single Christians of all ages, parents, and pastors. It is easy to read and its arguments readily understandable. The authors are evangelicals but they articulate a vision of chastity that would be recognizable to any orthodox Christian. I think that they would agree with the Catechism of the Catholic Church when it says that "self-mastery is a long and exacting work," but that "sexuality . . . becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and life-long mutual gift of a man and a woman." Indeed their teaching could be said to be a practical application of the "theology of the body" enunciated by Pope John Paul II, with its emphasis on chastity, mutual gift, monogamy, and permanence. When I recently finished reading “Man and Woman He Created Them,” by John Paul II, I was left wondering how the theology of the body would work in contemporary relationships; this valuable book gives great insight on that point and explains how it could actually work. 

 This is not to say that the book is not without some flaws. Some readers will find the authors' biblical analysis of relationships in chapter two to be somewhat conclusory, but I commend the authors for unashamedly articulating a biblical standard for dating relationships. I have been attending church for over forty years and have never heard teaching toward chastity quite so powerfully expressed.

 Other readers may conclude that the authors' approach to the issues tends toward the legalistic, with its emphasis on the prohibition of sexual activity between unmarried persons. More elaboration upon the theological reason for this prohibition (in addition to asserting its existence) would probably be necessary to persuade non-evangelicals of its necessity. In this regard, I was struck on occasion by the word choices by the authors: for example, the authors conclude their introduction to the book by prayerfully asking that God "turn our very gray world of subjectivity into a black-and-white world of Christ-honoring, grace-filled, sexual purity!" I know what they were trying to say, but "black-and-white"? The good news that the authors are seeking to explain could be said to be less about the "black-and-white" and more about the fact that intimate, life-long, loyal relationships are actually more colorful and robust than we can yet imagine!

 This is one of the few recent books that I have encountered that describes a sexual ethos consistent with the theology of the body, and is well worth your attention and effort.  It could profitably serve as the basis of small-group study or use in a home group.